walking the line

there’s a fine line between love and hate.
and once you walk it,
there no going back
especially when walking that line with your best friend’s boyfriend.
and when you have a boyfriend waiting at home for you as well.
factor in relationship issues, distance, and frustration,
that line is slowly getting smaller.
in reality, it’s actually blurring.
and when the line blurs, you choose a side.
it’s not walking the line that’s hard,
it’s keeping your balance while walking that line,
because once you fall, you can’t go back.

i can’t tell you something that ain’t real.

value.

that’s a word that is so heavily stressed,

it doesn’t really represent what it tries to represent.

something that could mean so much at one time,

could be reduced to nothing in a second.

then there are other factors inputed into “value.”

time.

effort.

consequences.

these things try to keep the value higher.

but they don’t factor in other externalities,

emotions,

irrationalties,

all the things that are unpredictable.

but there comes to a point where a crossroad is finally reached.

it’s between the two extremes: all or nothing.

you’re fighting to go right,

but everything else points to left.

it ultimately boils down to what you want to do,

but it’s not easy having complete blind faith in your decision.

then there’s the difference between infatuation and love.

and the line between them is blurring.

is this lull in the whole can’t-keep-your-hands-off-each-other phase,

a sign of a long time relationship?

or a sign it’s fading out?

a kiss is the most physical way to show affection.

so why are the kisses so forced?

if initiated, it will happen,

but not without a guilty feeling deep in the gut.

anything else is fine,

holding hands,

hugging,

foreplay,

anything.

it is so easy to fake emotion and get lost in the flow.

anything but lip contact.

because kisses will give you away.

they reveal all your thoughts, emotions and intentions.

it’s hard to fake but it can be done.

then as soon as this feeling appears,

it disappears.

things are rediscovered,

the things that make it all worthwhile,

so you’re forever stuck in this limbo,

this endless cycle,

which isn’t fair to both involved.

is it easier to just end things so it stops?

or is this a natural part of how everything goes?

it’s the mentality of going with the flow,

but it’s also leading to making something out of nothing,

where the “something” or “nothing” is not going anywhere.

commitment-phobia

so,
it is fading out for me.
the heart has stoned over.
it’s just today,
but i can’t feel anything.
i feel other things,
but not with him.
it’s been five months,
that’s long.
is it an obligation?
is it a crutch?
is it a desire?
or is it genuine?
it could be companionship,
or you could say it’s lust.
there’s a third party,
a little spark you can say,
that is throwing the chemistry out of proportion.
or a catalyst you can say,
to something inevitable or avoidable,
if the catalyst never happened.
a cheap thrill,
is what will quench this unending cycle,
of worry,
of fear,
and of being captured.
but too bad,
it’s quicksand now.
easy to get in, hard to get out.

weighed

so.

problem of the day,

he can’t be serious.

everything is going well,

everything is in the groove,

until he sticks out his tongue in a joke,

happy he’s frustrated me.

mood-killer anybody?

if he were serious,

then maybe i’d feel and know what’s going on in his heart and head.

so wouldn’t it be awesome if i could read minds?

if we could all read minds,

sure we wouldn’t have any secrets,

but nobody would have any secrets from us.

you’d know exactly what to do,

what to say,

and when to do and say.

but that would take all the guesswork out of everything,

and that would kill the game.

but

i love the game,

i love the chase,

i love the thrill,

and most of all,

i love falling in love over and over again.

confusion.

so.

it’s time to sort out my thoughts again.

exactly how do i get out of this pickle?

it’s not a pickle exactly, but a feeling of anxiety and uneasiness

it’s gone pretty far.

and now i have something to lose.

what i mean by that is that i can’t get out of this as scott-free as the others.

i can sit here,

and write a million pages about this,

but it won’t change a thing.

there are some things that are never meant to be said.

especially to the one that it’s referring to.

it’s not, how do you say,

a bad thing neccesarily,

but a risk i don’t know if im willing to take.

but too bad.

i’ve already jumped in headfirst,

and that’ s a hard thing to get out of huh.

love story

we were both young when i first saw you
i close my eyes
and the flashback starts
i’m standing there
on a balcony in summer air

see the lights
see the party, the ball gowns
i see you make your way through the crowd
And say hello, little did i know

that you were Romeo, you were throwing pebbles
and my daddy said stay away from Juliet
and i was crying on the staircase
begging you please don’t go, and i said

Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone
i’ll be waiting all there’s left to do is run
you’ll be the prince and i’ll be the princess
it’s a love story baby just say yes

so i sneak out to the garden to see you
we keep quiet ’cause we’re dead if they knew
so close your eyes
escape this town for a little while

’cause you were Romeo, i was a scarlet letter
and my daddy said stay away from Juliet
but you were everything to me
i was begging you please don’t go and i said

romeo take me somewhere we can be alone
i‘ll be waiting all there’s left to do is run
you’ll be the prince and i’ll be the princess
it’s a love story baby just say yes

Romeo save me, they try to tell me how to feel
this love is difficult, but it’s so real
don’t be afraid, we’ll make it out of this mess
it’s a love story baby just say yes
oh oh

i got tired of waiting
wondering if you were ever coming around
my faith in you is fading
when i met you on the outskirts of town, and i said

Romeo save me i’ve been feeling so alone
i keep waiting for you but you never come
is this in my head? i don’t know what to think,
he knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring

and said, marry me Juliet
you’ll never have to be alone
i love you and that’s all i really know
i talked to your dad, go pick out a white dress
it’s a love story baby just say yes

oh, oh, oh, oh
’cause we were both young when i first saw you

it’s been a while.

so.

a lot of things have happened.

unexpected turned out to be the one,

and mr. variable if no longer in the picture.

cept that semi-guy and night-guy are still in the picture.

semi-guy: i lead him on thinking that i was hitting on him and he probably hates me now. oh well

night-guy: knows i have a boyfriend, and still hits on me and i flirt right back.

bad to start an affair when you’ve only been going out for a week isn’t it?

unexpected.

so.

looks like someone else has stepped in.

and he’s so much more than the guy before.

he makes me laugh,

he understands me,

and he’s smart.

and the thing is,

i never even looked at him like that,

until now.

and it was a nice surprise.

and the added bonus?

i don’t think it’s just me.

a car ride

so.

me and my partner and bff (who shall be referred to jelly) kicked ass at DECA.

we both got the Oral Presentation Award and I got the Writen one as well.

so did mr. variable.

and he drove me home right after.

what can i say?

it’s been a good day.

=)

another side.

so.

they say you finally know a person when you find out what makes them mad.

then i can say i got to know the mister a little better.

he got peeved at a harmless comment.

like really peeved.

needless to say that woke me up.

why do i tolerate this?

i can’t stand a guy who can’t take a joke,

shouldn’t this turn me completely the other way?

but it didn’t.

i felt bad.

a first you can say for me.

it was too intense for me,

and that’s saying a lot.

he’s the epitome of everything that turned me away from some other potential before.

yet i’m not turnin’ away this time.

is this some last hurray to say i’ve achieved the unattainable?

and here you thought i was getting all sentimental.